I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
