this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
