dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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