Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
