I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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