I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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