You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
