so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
