Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
