I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
