Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
