tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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