I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
