he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
