hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
