when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
