She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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