she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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