after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
