Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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