I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
