Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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