Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
