The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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