The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
