New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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