I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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