Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
