I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
