I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
