someone threw a dead crab at me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
