Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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