I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
