finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
