so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He has the fingertips of a God
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