well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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