3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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