he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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