the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
