I just saw a hot homeless man
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
