how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
