a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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