I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
