Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
