My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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