Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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