Tell her she can't have a vagina
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
