He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
