Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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