I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
