1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
